This is not rocket science. Just please, thank you, yes sir, yes ma’am, no sir, no ma’am, excuse me. Be polite. And as Robert Fulghum says in All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten: “share everything, play fair, don’t hit people, put things back where you found them, clean up your own mess, don’t take things that aren’t yours, say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody, wash your hands before you eat and flush.”

We speak of a person having good manners, bad manners or no manners. Having good manners is desirable. Having bad manners or no manners is not desirable. It really is just that simple.

If a child does not have good manners, it is quite likely that the adult caregivers for this child also do not have good manners.

Since there is more evidence to support the notion that manners are more a matter of nurture than nature, every new generation needs to learn manners all over again. No child has ever been born having good manners. As a matter of fact, the self-centeredness that comes with all children is often demonstrated in a way that flies in the face of good manners.

Just teaching manners will not suffice for many children. Training as well as teaching will be needed for most children. Training carries with it the notion of repetition, and is repetition ever needed when it comes to learning to practice good manners!

When should this training begin? In her book, 365 Manners Kids Should Know, Sheryl Eberly says on page 5 “Parents begin teaching manners by example as soon as a child is born”. She goes on to say, “Whether we like it or not, learning usually takes place in the home, through imitation”.

The vast majority of children can be taught manners, regardless of their level of intellectual functioning or the presence of learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder, etc.

A very high percentage of children who come to a counselor or mental health clinic with behavioral problems demonstrate a clear lack of good manners. It would seem that if these children had been taught good manners, many of them would not need mental health services.

In school, children who do not show good manners limit their own learning as well as interfere with the learning of others and prevent the teachers from doing the best possible job of teaching.

Is teaching/training a child to have good manners easy? Of course not. Parenting most children is a tough task. Parenting the rest of them will challenge a parent in ways that they never dreamed of.

The first step then in training a child to have good manners is to demonstrate good manners yourself. There are a few children who decide that they are going to develop their social skills and have good manners in spite of what they’ve seen at home, but don’t count on your child being one of them.

Working to develop and maintain good manners is a lifelong project. However the more good manners are practiced, the easier it becomes to maintain good manners even in the most trying of circumstances.

Having good manners is an essential component of good social and adaptive coping skills. Good manners will soften an aggressive personality style as well as elicit respect and appreciation from others.

There are a few things in life that seem to have “built in power”. Having good manners is one of them. Thoughtfulness, character and caring are all communicated through good manners.

If you were not taught/trained to have good manners as a child, now is a good time to start. Just choose any of a number of good manners and do it. Again and again. Look for opportunities. Be polite. Say please and thank you. And do use your inside voice when you are inside. You’ll not only be doing something you can be proud of, those who live with you and love you will be even more proud of you.

Without a doubt, having good manners makes a person of any age “easier to live with”.

Lowell E. Becker, M.D.
Child and Family Psychiatrist