1. ACCURATE IDENTIFICATION OF THE FEELINGS. The larger the vocabulary of “feeling words” that your child has, the more likely it is that he/she will be able to put their feelings into words. Check the size of their vocabulary by asking them to tell you all of the “feeling words” that they can think of. Then teach the child the use of modifiers, such as somewhat, very, a little, mostly, etc. Remember, when emotions churn, head goes into neutral. So if a child is experiencing a high level of emotion, they may need to “blow off steam” in a safe, physical way before they can put their thinking into gear and express themselves verbally.
   
   
2. CLAIMING OR ACKNOWLEDGING THE FEELINGS AS YOUR OWN. It is very common for children of any age (from 6 to 60) to say, “They made me feel, etc.” The fact is that no one makes us feel anything. Rather, when this or that happened, “I felt, etc.” Or, when that person said that, “I felt, etc.” Holding someone else responsible for how we feel will not only absolutely block our own emotional growth, but will make it impossible for us to resolve the differences that arise in our relationships with others.
   
   
3. APPROPRIATE EXPERIENCING (EXPRESSING) THE FEELINGS TO THE BENEFIT OF YOURSELF AND OTHERS. Feelings were meant to be expressed, but not to be expressed any time, any where or in any way that just happens to occur to us. In the past, some persons advocated, “just let it all hang out” no matter what the situation was or who it affected or how it affected them. Competent professionals did not buy into that way of expressing feelings then, nor do they now. If we choose to express our feelings verbally, it is essential to take into account the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual state of the other person and adjust our expression accordingly. Having a trusted friend who will “hear us out” is a special person indeed, but even here care must be given not to overload this individual or become a whiner or a complainer. Lastly, some feelings can best be expressed physically through manual labor. A frustrated or angry person can dig a hole to plant a shrub or tree a whole lot faster than one who is not experiencing any type of intense emotion and can address two problems at the same time. Now that is really being efficient.

Lowell E. Becker, M.D.
Child and Family Psychiatrist